Posted by Anonymous on 2013/01/23 under Uncategorized If I entered a title it would probably be the feeling I’m feeling right now. But this feeling is unnamed. I’m so angry, with a splash of other things. I tell everyone to be grateful for their parents. My aunt just recently past and she left three amazing kids. But they never, ever, ever get to see their mom again. Never. Think about that word. Never another hug, another kiss, another laugh. It’s all gone. My mom is currently about 10 steps away from me, in my sisters room. I tell myself all the time, especially with the passing of my aunt, to be so grateful for her. And I know laying my eyes on her everyday is truly a gift. But she makes it so hard to even love her at times. I need a mom who is affectionate. I need a mom who is always will to talk. I need to a mom who jumps to see why I’m upset all the time. But she just isn’t like that. I’m not asking for a mom who lets me go out every night and come back whenever I want or something. Sometimes I just want her to hug me. But she won’t. She won’t change the person she is for me. And honestly, that might be a selfish request. She’s been her, all her life. Now I just expect her to change? But I imagine having a kid means doing whatever they need. We are really struggling with money. By we I mean my siblings. She goes to work for US. We’re hungry she buys food for US. But all I want is someone to speak to. And someone to just be there. But she can’t do that. She always pushes me away. And when I try to think about what I do to make her like that, I draw a blank. I have never in my life, drank alcohol. I have never in my life done any illegal drug. And in my 17 years of living, I have never had sex. Did I mention we live in Las Vegas? And I should also mention I haven’t done any of those things by complete choice. I have good grades, and I’m preparing to start college in August. So why mom, why do you hold such a grudge against me? What did I do. I don’t clean my room? I’m sorry. Take everything in away. I don’t wash the dishes? That’s fine, I won’t use them anymore. I don’t need anything but her love and affection. When she ignores me as if she’s the teenager, I feel fire in my core. It makes me so upset, I think of the darkest, most disgusting things. She brings out a side in myself that I hate. I’m jealous of everyone you even smile at, if it isn’t me mom. I feel so much extreme anger towards my little sister because she gets all the attention from my mom. I wish I was my little brother because he’s so calm and relaxed. Even while getting yelled at, he would never yell at my mom. He’s so respectful, basically the angel child. And then there is me. I don’t know what will fix our relationship. In my head, nothing. I want to say I dislike my mom, but hate feels so much better to say. But I know there will be a day I won’t see her, when I wish I could. And if I could hear her voice again, I wouldn’t mind if she was yelling at me. But right now, I don’t feel like that. I know I’m taking her for granted, but you know what; what if she’s taking me for granted too? If something bad happens to me, God forbid, what is she gonna do. I hold down the fort when her and my dad are at work. I watch my brother and sister when she can’t. And I always reach out to her about my feelings. She knows I crave her attention and love. She knows it. But she won’t give it to me. She’ll still ignore me like always, but still talk to everyone else because she knows it upsets me. She loves me because she doesn’t have a choice, but as a person, she doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do, and I’ve tried everything. I’m in a hole, and I can’t dig myself out. And the reason why this all hurts so much, is because I love my mom. So, so, much.